this song really hit me today.
i was sitting in the car stuck in the everyday rushhour traffic of the dmv.. somewhere in virginia minutes away from the d & the m riding down the road looking for an escape from the expected boredom of sitting in traffic, not to mention the onsetting heat stroke i was experiencing abiding by my STRICT unwaivering --NO AC, it uses too much gas-- law. Almost at the exact moment my mind shifted from "help me Jesus i'm burnin up in here" it picked up the notes of a very soft melodic slow song..i tuned out of the world, out of the jeep, and out of the heat into the words & felt an overwhelming sense of a sign. Believe it or not i think it was meant for me to hear it..Pending the end of the last "relationship" or what have you i was in, i had lost every sense of jadedness i'd ever had and completely believed in the idea of 2 people functioning well together, of destiny, of fate, of true happiness and all the other things jolly, skipper (etc..) however upon it's end i was so hurt i scrambled to hold onto those things as tight as possible, as if realizing them was my only life line i had left. Once that did'nt work and infact worsened the situation i did the thing i, up until today in the car knew only to do.. i thusted the hurt, rejection, memories, tears, kisses, feelings into a sinkhole. However as convienent an answer it seemed at the time, it did not help the situation, nor me. Many believe that items thrown into a sinkhole always come out somewhere else...and today while break even was playing, stuck on 495, in a hot car, with all the windows down, in a blue skirt, sweating out my blowout, they came out somewhere else for me. It hit me like the beams of light pounding on my arm through the sunroof, similarly i could have fixed the pain [turned on the ac] or lessened the pain [moved to a lane less directly in the sun] but instead, i did not attempt to avoid the pain.. but sat there, listened to the words..and let it sink in. Not force it away from me, but accept it as a part of me. it WAS something that happened.. and for the first time its okay. It's not something i can lie about, be bigger than, avoid, or ignore.. it was an event in the past that did something to me and that is that. This life is not a curse, but a blessing and everything in it corresponds.. just because that went sour does'nt mean that it was something that went wrong. Perhaps that was the devine plan all along.. to lead me away from him to someone else, or to another place in my life or who knows what.. that being said.. when a heart breaks, no it dont break even.
